How often do you fear asking for what you deserve? It’s a very common and understandable fear. We fear the rejection we may face if we ask for more. But if there was one skill you would need to become wealthy, it would be the ability to ask for more. Whether it’s in work or business, you need the ability to recognize what you’re worth and then negotiate accordingly.
You’ll learn why you feel so uncomfortable asking for more, the hidden cost of not asking for more, and how you can get comfortable with asking for more.
Here are some good books about getting comfortable with asking for more:
Getting to Yes—Roger Fisher, William Ury & Bruce Patton
Never Split the Difference—Chris Voss
You Can Negotiate Anything—Herb Cohen
Crucial Conversations—Kerry Patterson
Fierce Conversations—Susan Scott
The Art of Asking—Amanda Palmer
Women Don’t Ask—Linda Babcock & Sara Laschever
Set Boundaries, Find Peace—Nedra Glover Tawwab
The Confidence Code—Katty Kay & Claire Shipman
Why Asking for More Feels So Uncomfortable
There are many reasons why asking for more is so intimidating. It could be fear of rejection, the trouble of being vulnerable, or even just the lack of negotiation skills. Whatever the problem is, just know that there is no problem that is unsolvable. Let’s go a bit deeper into why asking for more feels uncomfortable.
Fear: Research finds that fear is one of the biggest reasons people don’t negotiate. People are very concerned with preventing embarrassment and “saving face.”
Underestimation of People’s Willingness to Help: Research done at Stanford by Xuan Zhao showed how much people want to help and the satisfaction potential helpers get from doing so. People also tend to overestimate the probability of their request getting rejected.
Revealing Vulnerability and Incompetence: Many people do not ask for more out of fear that they will seem needy or amateurish. When you ask for more, you have to let go and surrender to the other person because the decision is entirely up to them.
Lack of Negotiation Skills: Many people are intimidated by the idea of negotiating for more because they feel like they have no negotiation skills. People also find negotiating unpleasant, which is completely understandable. But regardless, if you don’t negotiate, you believe you don’t deserve anything better, and trust me, you do.
These are just a couple reasons for why people feel uncomfortable with asking for more. You have your own personal ones, I’m sure, so just take some time and find out the real reason for why you avoid asking for more.
The Hidden Cost of Not Asking
Less Lifetime Earnings: When you don’t negotiate at the beginning of your career, you leave between $1 million and $1.5 million on the table. Let’s say an employer promised to pay you $40,000 a year, and you negotiated to $45,000. Over your career, you will earn $750,000 more. You miss out on money you don’t even have to work extra for.
Compounding Effect: When you negotiate, you’re not just negotiating for the number you will see on your paycheck; you are also determining how much you will be earning next year. The main reason for this is because employers give raises in the form of percentage increases based on your current pay. The more you earn, the higher your percentage. Ask for more as soon as you can, and you’ll see how much you earn.
Worse Work Performance: When you feel like you aren’t earning as much as you could, your work performance goes down, decreasing the likelihood for a promotion. When you ask for more and actually get it, watch your productivity and work quality skyrocket.
Attracting the Wrong Customers: When you underprice your products, you attract customers that are price sensitive, who are disloyal and likely to jump to another company when their products are priced low. Unfortunately these types of customers also tend to be more demanding, less profitable, and more energy draining. So don’t feel bad about raising those prices.
Perceived value of your product: We all judge a product based on its price. Whenever a product is priced low, we believe it’s of lower quality compared to its higher-priced counterpart. So if your products or services are priced too low, you are also communicating to your customers that your offering is worth less than it truly is. Customers also subconsciously think your product is low quality. So don’t believe that if you ask for more, you’re scaring off customers; you’re just weeding out all the unserious ones.
Step By Step: How To Start Being Comfortable With Asking For More
Step 1: Notice and Name Your Fear
When you know your fear and name it, you reduce its power. Based on research, there are 3 core fears that stop people from asking for more: fear of failure, fear of relationship damage, and fear of emotional pain from rejection. Once you know what your fear is, write it down and dig a bit deeper. Ask yourself these questions:
How did this fear form?
Is my fear protecting me from something or preventing me from improving?
If I did not have this fear, how would I act?
Step 2: Question Your Fearful Thoughts
Most of the time our thoughts aren’t fact. But because they are our thoughts, we trust them and believe in them. Always remember thoughts are just learned opinions. Opinions can be challenged and changed. But there really is no reason to believe in your negative thoughts.
The next time the fear of asking for more comes up, question it like this:
Will I die if I ask for more?
What’s the worst that could happen?
Will anyone get hurt if I ask for more?
These questions sound very simple, but we forget about how simple so many things are in the midst of fear. The probability that asking for more will really hurt us is very low, but our fear of it is huge.
Step 3: When You Get Anxious, Believe You’re Excited Instead
When you are put into a situation outside your comfort zone, most people often say, “I’m so nervous,” out loud or in their head. Your words have power, so instead of saying that, why don’t you say, “I’m so excited”? It’s another phrase that’s just much more helpful.
In fact, research from Harvard shows that it is way harder to calm down than to channel your nervous energy into excitement. Before you start to ask for more, tell yourself, “I’m so excited to finally get what I deserve. ”.
Step 4: Overprepare and Practice Out Loud
That step depends on what area of life you are deciding to ask for more in. If you are raising your prices, this isn’t needed, but if you are trying to negotiate a higher salary or talk business, this is important. You need to know your stuff. You need to be ready for whatever question may be thrown at you. You should research and look at the number to see what you are really worth.
You can practice negotiating with someone. It may sound silly, but it helps. Do it with someone who may be in the same situation as you. You can both practice together. You want to be extremely prepared so you’re not flustered and are able to sound confident. When the time does come for you to ask for more, you sound like you know your stuff. After all, knowledge is power.
Step 5: Engage With Smaller More Manageable Ways Of Asking For More First
I wouldn’t advise just jumping into asking for more, unless you feel like you’re ready. But if you still feel intimidated by raising your prices or asking for a raise, start with maybe asking for more help. When you go to the mall and an employee asks you for help, don’t say, “No, I’m just looking”; instead, say “yes” and then ask away. You’ll get more comfortable not only with asking for more but also with speaking to people you barely know.
Ask more questions when you feel called to. You know that itch to know something; don’t keep that to yourself. Ask about it. Ask for more information.
Start small. A small step is still a step.
Conclusion
I hope you won’t hesitate to ask for more now that you know more. You’re not greedy or selfish; you are allowed to want more and ask for more. There are many people who have asked for raises and got them, and there are many people who raised the prices of their services or products and lost new customers. That is possible for you too. Ask for more without fear; maybe you’ll get rejected, or maybe you’ll end up with a bigger bank account.
Remember that whatever happens, you are building confidence, and you are getting rid of fear around asking for more. So go ahead and ask for more where you can.
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